The Adult Edition of Chutes and Ladders
HOW TO PLAY
Objective: Be the last person still capable of eye contact.
The Board:
- Echo Chambers (Ladders):
- Climb by repeating the same opinions louder.
- Reward: A fleeting dopamine hit when the algorithm nods.
- Risk: Reach the top and realize you’re alone in a mirrored box.
- Isolation Chambers (Chutes):
- Slide when you disagree with your own friend group.
- Penalty: Your group chat goes silent for 72 hours.
- Bonus: Unlock the “Why Is Everyone So Fragile?” achievement.
Game Pieces:
- The Ghost (Boomer mode: moves by erasing itself)
- The Bot (Millennial mode: rolls dice for you while you doomscroll)
- The NPC (Gen Z mode: stands still, waiting for lore updates)
Special Squares:
- “Touch Grass” (Skip a turn in the real world. Mandatory.)
- “Viral or Die” (Sacrifice a relationship to gain 10K followers.)
- “The Eternal Reply Guy” (Stuck here forever, yelling into a void.)
WHY IT’S FUNNIER (AND SADDER) THAN CHUTES AND LADDERS
- No Winners, Only Survivors
- Chutes and Ladders had an endpoint. This game loops until you forget there was ever a board.
- The House Always Wins
- The game is rigged by tech companies, politicians, and generational trauma; but you can’t flip the table because you’re playing on your phone.
- The Ultimate Joke
- You’ll realize mid-game that you’ve been both player and pawn, and the only way out is to throw the dice at a stranger and demand they play IRL.
CHEAT CODES (FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO BREAK THE GAME)
- “Third Place” Hack: Sneak off to a library, bar, or park bench. *+10 Charisma.*
- “Unfollow All” Glitch: Suddenly see the board from above. Warning: May cause existential clarity.
- “Analog Rage” Mod: Mail a handwritten rant to a friend. Instantly respawns dead multiplayer mode.
Final Thought:
The only way to win is to stop playing; then build a new game where the rules aren’t designed to sterilize human connection.
“Congratulations! You’ve unlocked ‘Loneliness Epidemic.’ Press START to continue.”
